Infected Intoxication

I regret not having written here in the last few months. Not because I care of any of my readers but because of all the beautifull stuff that gathered in my mind and eroded away in time.

The past months can be explained as a hurricane of feelings thundering within me. I wont be able to discuss any of that here no matter how hard I try and how much aid I get from alcohol.. So I will just copy what I wrote on a filthy piece of paper that survived my terrible handwriting..

"It must be human nature to chase things. Maybe it is our wild instincts. After all our ancestors needed to stay hidden and ambush the animal for food. If the animal didnt drop dead they needed to chase it. So my theory is, unless you make someone fall in love with you immediately they will start to run even though they are wounded. Sometimes that person may escape and get hunted by someone else or it may die of the wounds. Than the only thing we need to do is find they corpse... However it is of great importance that I note the following here: The sight of a rotting corpse is not something for everyones appetite..So dont take your time..

Let us return to chasing,

A chase is for a person may have horrible effects on human mind. But it also forces you to confront yourself and value the dignity that is left within you. I say left, because I believe our pride and dignity deteriorates with every experiance we have in our life. We may learn alot from chasing about ourselves...

There is a degree of persistance.. We must never exceed it or else we would have to face the danger of total rejection subce we gave become "bothersome " and in some cases "creepy".

So how do we know that we reach our limit?

In my case it is paranoia.. in the case of others it may be jealousy, greed or murderous intentions..

Paranoia.. Ah! The disease of the insane. It is the ultimate form of fear. Only people that are immune to fear develop paranoia. It sounds contradicting but I will open it up for you. A paranoid person develops feelings of jealousy , fear and eventually hatred. People that never feared or doubted others are forced to become paranoid once they taste betrayal for the first time. The first betrayal leaves a sour taste and with every betrayal adding up these people start to live with the fear of tasting it again.

All the years of living with the illusion of total security gets destroyed. The of betrayal that has been stored inside of the person is unleashed upon his naivety. A naivety that never returns. Paranoia is build upon the decaying remains of that naivety. A twisted and corrupted image of the pure..

My friends.. The combination of paranoi together with the intoxication of pride of the human being creates a monstrosity that I call "Infected intoxication"

May this be a warning on all of us.. If you reach the limit, learn to end your future.."

End of the paper..

Valentines Day Reminder

So the day of the Valentines Day Losers is nearing.. My very blog is based on the Valentines Day and the more it closes in the more i have to think about its necessity.

Is it necessary to remind people that they are lonely? Well I thought about it.. and my answer is:

YES! Definately! The sole reason for this is because people need to be reminded of their loneliness. Loneliness can be turned in to a good weapon which allows your lifestyle to change dramatically. I think the most educational days were the Valentines Days that I had to experiance alone. Some of them ended with an orgy of my thoughts accompanied with a bottle of wine while others were accompanied by friends who seemingly didnt "care", which was of course an obvious lie on their part..

I think I remember the lonely Valentines Days more than the ones when I had a girlfriend. This year I will be having a girlfriend to enjoy , however most of my friends will be lonely. I hope that they think about what they are doing and maybe make some changes in their lifes. Just like a Turkish preverb states

"Loneliness is only for God"

Happy Valentines Day everyone.. Expect to hear less stories about me and woman, for I wish not to insult anyone during this period of joy..

Cauldron of Fire

If you are reading this keep in mind that I am now in Turkey and that I will live here for a year. I have managed to come to Turkey with the Erasmus programme. I am telling you this because my view on woman and life may change... well to be honest.. It has changed allready.

When I look back to my 3.5 years in Germany I cant really see the "good old days". I dont expect to make some nostalgia after living a month in Turkey but it is hard to remember the good days we had.. good days when we were not under the sideeffect of drinks.

Alcohol: is a good way to describe the things that changed. For one I dont drink everyday anymore. I have been drunk for only one night since i have been here. It means alot..because it has been a month! People dont drink that much.. they dont need to drink. I used to drink because I had nothing else to do.. nothing to occupy me.,not enough people to share my day with. In Germany it was more like staying at home the whole day and partying the whole night. When you are drunk you cant share much friendship since everyone somehow becomes your "friend" when you are drunk. I get the feeling that people are not afraid to share their emotions in Turkey. If they are angry or if they like you, they will definately let you know. In Germany most of our conversations only involved themes like "university", "teachers", "alcohol","politics".. That was all .. I am sorry if someone gets annoyed about my statement but this is the truth and many have agreed with me.. I am sorry if I cant put up with the boring topics..

Lifestyle: In Germany we used to party alot.. We danced alot and we drank alot. Like I have previously stated we didnt do much at day time. In Turkey it is the opposite. Here we like to meet up in the afternoon and go drink somewhere. We dont drink much and dont dance (although they say that we will soon). At night time we stay at someones place and play Dungeon&Dragons or go to the cinema. It is more about interacting and talking. The topics we talk about is different as well. People enjoy to talk about Romance, sex, money and a little gossip, way different than my previous Social life in Germany.

However there are problems too. I dont like how my friends are still acting as if they are teenagers. I dont mean to put myself here in a higher position, but seeing a 21-22 year old guy leaving the bar because his Mother or Grandmother tells him to be at home at 20pm is just fucking sad and riddiculous. I constantly think about how they endure this painfull humiliation. How can one person feel mature if they live under such "high school" rules. One of my friends says "Your family is different than ours. We have stronger bonds and loyalty" when I confront him with his problem. Hovewer this is simply a "BULLSHIT" explanation. What kind of family is to be respected if they dont respect your position as an adult? It is saddening..

What is the black hole?

1988-1996 (Germany)

1996-2006(Turkey)

2006-2009(Germany aka. The Black Hole)

2010- present day (Turkey)

I keep comparing today with the present of 2006. I used to have much more connections and my phone never stopped ringing.It was natural to lose some of my colleges in 3 years, It was to be expected and I dont feel sad about it.My core friends..Well let me fix that.. my brothers and sisters still remain intact :) I gained a 10 years experiance in Germany. I dont know if I shoudl feel thankfull or if I should hate the fact that I have become a cold and more distant person. A few of my friends confronted me about this change. I had nothing else to say than "sorry thats how things worked in Germany". Its been a month and I still havent recovered my "southern warmth". Troubling as it may be I am sure that I will become the old cheerfull myself again..

If you have been reading this entry to hear about Turkish chicks you are to be dissappointed ;) My blog is indeed about woman and my funny storys with them but an entry about Turkish woman has to wait. I assure you it will taste like good lagered wine when it is posted..

Prostitution

Many may argue that prostitution is forced on ALL woman. I would call that ignorance.

Now that I have your attention with my flametory argument I will continue to explain myself.

First we must discuss what prostitution is. Of course we all think about "sexual intercourse" the second we hear the word "prostitution". But prostitution doesn't necessarily need to involve sexual interaction. If a woman comforts a man for money without showing the slightest bit of interest or compassion on the involving action, it is considered prostitution in my eyes.

So to simplify what I have said I will give an example:

A college girl is in need of help for an on coming exam. This girl starts to date with the nerd of the class to get from him free lessons and to pass the on coming exam.Afterwards she dumps him.

Now in this example the girls didn't have sexual intercourse with nerd but she sacrificed her time. She gave him emotional support and hope. To be completely classic I would say "she has toyed with his emotions". Now the nerds foolishness is of course another part to discuss. Without knowing the nerd payed her for her services thus relinquishing his title "victim".

This is the most crucial part. We have labeled the girl as a prostitute, but we also took an unnatural way calling the boy responsible of his actions. Most people would drown in the sympathy and call him victim and even a "martyr of love". I believe it is foolish to put someone into such a high position. But the tale of the fool is another story..

As you see, a woman doesn't necessarily need to have sexual intercourse to be a prostitute but this is not main point. By defining prostitution I wanted to make clear that some woman are okay with such decisions. Not everyone is forced to prostitution. I was lucky enough to get the oppinion of prostitutes and I have to say there are a fair number of woman in this world who take part in this business on free will. Not only because of the money but also for the fun of it..

The Sexy City

A pity that I cant add music to my blog, so we will have to do with youtube links..

I wonder if I am the only one who enjoys the sky line of a city. It is amazing to see huge buildings in the distance and to see the lights. Whenever I see the skyline I think "wow there in the city right now someone is starving in the streets while some other guy fucks his girlfriend in the back of a club" same street, different story.. I dont want you to get me wrong, I dont think there is something wrong in this picture. That is how life is, that is how the city is.. It is a wild battlefield , from the hobos to the high ranking executives of a firm. Isnt this simply beautifull ? A carnage without rules, it is a deathmatch..

The city is the true face of humans. We may try to keep our dirty secrets within but the city will reveal everything to everyone who digs enough. I dont mean to say that we are scum.. That is just how nature is. If someone fucks you up it most likely because of our greedy nature. Therefore I love the city.. We are pretending but the city uncovers the whole filth..

Bloggers are idiots

Blogging: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few...

How true this sentence is.. Every single drop of this sentence is golden..

Yes, too many people write but so few read.. I dont blame anyone, hell I dont read blogs myself although I write one. Most of the time I think " why should I care what that guy over there says online, I dont even know him in RL". I doubt that anyone reads my blog, but I am not writing this blog with that purpose anyways..

This is a place where I put my thoughts in, I am not really interested in spreading them.. Although I have to spread it alittle so I can get some feedback. If there is one thing I have learned in life that that is "if u dont get a proper feedback, u will never learn.."

I am thankfull to those few who bothered to read and comment on the crap I post here..

People always want to be in the center, nearly every single person around me wants that.. Even if they try to act out of the gossips. We humans are hungry for the attention of the core.. We crave for it althout we dont know it, our hands reach for this and we dont even know if we are really doing it..

Life style of a winning loser..

Sometimes Im sick of hearing comments about myself.. and sometimes they just help me look up..

Comments force me to face myself.. even if they are good. I have been depressed now since 2 years for various reasons. The main reason why I moved out and started to live with 3 of my buddies was to lose the feeling that I am alone..

Here and now I have to admit that I failed in my plan.. I either had to fall in love or start living with others. I chose the latter one..

Well love and friendship are different things, we humans constantly need kind souls around us. I believe it is the reason of our existance, any person that denies this is a liar and is "inhuman" in my oppinion. Our daily quest of gaining wealth, prestige and power is based on a simple desire..

Let us face it, everyone is thirsty and hungry.. The only way to sate it is to charge head on to our problems. It takes courage and most of all , sacrifice.. I would lie if Id say that I have the balls for this. The expectations and the effort that is put into it is too big to handle, not only for me but for most of us.. and yes , even for you..

I hope no one will feel hurt if I state here that Europeans are rarely passionate, my lost interest on relationships can be explained with this statement..

to be continued..